Tuesday, 25 September 2012

starting weight

I actually weigh less than I thought - or what my home scales tell me. Not by much, but I think I'll take it.

My starting weight is 20st 11lbs. My 5% goal is 19st 11lbs, and my 10% is 18st 11lbs. It's quite scary to write it all down, but I suppose if it's in writing, there is no escaping it.

The leader, Deborah - is really nice, thankfully. She's young, fresh and very informative. She reminds me of a younger version of my old leader Lisa, so I'm very happy with that. Lisa was a great source of inspiration for me when I was doing it in Norwich.

Day 1 was fine - fortunately I had a Sainsbury's shop arriving first thing in the morning before I got to work so I was able to quickly make some things up to grab and go. On the other side, I really didn't think through my meal plans adequately enough which never helps. I wanted other bits but I was busy thinking of A and what he could eat (he won't eat anything I would cook, that much I know). It's not too much of a bother - I live five minutes walk away from Tesco and I can go tomorrow - today I'm just too lazy. Running up and down stairs all day makes you rather lethargic ;)

Today I was on campus for 6 hours - learning really helps for me because there is no margin for error - if you pack right, then you eat right. It also helps me to go out with no cash other than enough for a cup of coffee - that way I can't indulge in the canteen goods. It's hard, as the cooks are really accomplished and a lot of the food looks a million times better than the stuff we were thrown when I was at college ten years ago.  I had a few comments as to whether I was dieting, but it hasn't been a massive secret that I've wanted to do it - I've mentioned it a few times in passing.

Campus life also gives me a source of motivation. I'm a mature student, and a great deal of the demographic there are 18-21, ie; youthful, slim, intelligent....you get the drift. There is nothing like a swift kick up the jacksy if you're feeling a bit discouraged.

Today I've had a nice bowl of cinnamon and apple porridge, some pitta bread with ham and a very random concoction of pasta, chicken and a variety of veg, with philadephia sweet chilli mixed in. It was really delightful and I could have eaten more...obviously!

Tonight I'm home alone - so in theory I should be cracking on with various theories and mindmapping some ideas for an assignment - but after 6 hours of solid study my brain is a bit frazzled. I had a bath and will go for a cigarette and crack on....


Monday, 24 September 2012

mistakes - we all make them.

We're all human. We are not robots and we cannot be programmed to do something we are intently against. We all have differing opinions on various matters and our opinions are subjective.

Therefore, we are culpable in our own destiny. We all mistakes and that's how we learn. Some make more than others (me). Some of us never learn, no matter how horrible the consequences (me).

I decided after speaking with my doctor whether Slim and Save was the best option. I truly think it does work, but you need to have a certain presence of mind. I'm not the best person when it comes to willpower, and figuring that if I ate x and drank y I could easily knock myself out of ketosis, I came to the decision that something that gave me flexibility would probably be a better option. To be honest, I'm not sure if anything will work. Maybe I'm destined to die of obesity. I am so fucking frustrated with the way I look and I am actually transferring this into real life situations. I feel that every wrong thing I do (down to the smallest things) are all a result of me being fat. I'm sure it doesn't extent quite as far as that, but you get the drift.

I'm beyond annoyed that I've put all the weight I lost back on, and more. I've had a long time to deal with that. I am now living in a town where nobody knows that I've failed, therefore I am not going to bring it to attention. There was this deep seated sense of failure when I went back to my Norwich meetings - as much as I loved them - because I had done so well and then screwed up.

None of this matters anymore. As far as the meeting is concerned tonight, I'm yet another statistic - another fat person looking to lose weight.

It's either this or nothing. If I carry on the way I am I will be dead at 30 - either from obesity related illness or through suicide. You know how some people are content in their bodies, no matter what? That's not me. There is absolutely no redeeming factors to the way I look and when A says I'm beautiful, or fit etc. I am always batting it back. For once, I want to believe it.

I will have to be happy with the fact the weight will not drop off ala Slim and Save. You put in what you get out. It matters very little that I dropped a heap of weight quickly before - I cannot believe into that hype again.

I just hope the leader at this meeting is a good one. It really does make a difference.

Friday, 7 September 2012

judgement day...

...very spooky title.

So yes, today is the day. The day when I've decided to overhaul my lifestyle. I can appreciate some people can be blind to the unhealthy ways in which they live, but unfortunately, I cannot. I cannot sit back and kill myself, it's just not possible.

I'm hungry at the moment and that's fine. I need to learn that hunger isn't a bad thing, and that I'm not going to die. I have food in the house - if it became a life and death situation I can eat. This is something I've learnt from the Beck Diet Solution - it's okay to be hungry. Thin people are often hungry, and it is the cue to eat. So many times recently, I've realised I've eaten because I feel I should (time, food in the house, boredom) rather than the signals my body is giving me. A human can go 6-8 weeks without food, and there are thousands of starving people throughout the world. Me putting off eating for two or three hours in essence, is of very little consequence.

I need to make this a mantra, and write it down somewhere on a sticky note where I can put it on the fridge and the cupboards. If I'm on plan, I'm very good. If I'm off it, I'm terrible. I need to learn not to think about it so much - which is sort of ironic considering I am writing this blog - therefore I'm thinking of it, no? But writing these thoughts helps me. It's a distraction in the very early days, the days where everything seems insurmountable. Maybe I should do a diet where there are no massive restrictions. Maybe I should do something where I know I can eat something of "free" value that will not affect ketosis, or carbohydrate levels. But then those diets I've done before, unsuccessfully. I clearly need something that takes those options out of the equation.

I'm probably going to be here quite a lot, rambling away....

O&O xox

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

the non-start

Hello all,

Well, as you can guess from the title I'm probably in a funk. A funk doesn't quite sum it well enough ;)

I've had a torrid time with my doctor changing my medication due to a higher level of anxiety. Because of this, I've had horrible side effects - truly terrible, I've never had a reaction to medication before and I hope I never do again! I'm still in the throws of it - it's strange - it feels as if my entire brain is detached from my body and I'm sort of co-existing with it. The other draw-back of the medication is it makes you want to eat the entire house, which sort of fucks up a diet somewhat.

I spoke to my doctor regarding the tablets and doing slim and save and he was all for me doing the plan - AFTER the side effects had worn off. He said ketosis and side effects would probably launch me into a deeper funk and I tend to agree. I've been intolerable these last few days and I don't think it would be fair on anyone to be like that.

Unfortunately that means I've stopped doing S&S (temporarily) - I'm annoyed as I still keeping abreast with other peoples' challenges and success and still stuck here like a whale. For some reason one of the major bugbears with me at the moment is my weight (rightly) and was compounded by trying on some clothes in Cambridge on Sunday and not fitting into a 24...which adequately sums it up. Everybody that was either fat is now not fat or the people that were fat are becoming less fat and I'm here still fat. It'll be nice to have that level of confidence I had back again.

I also bought the Beck book about retraining though processes regarding food, and as I'm at my Mum's whilst the landlord rips apart the flat, with not a lot to do apart from eat and veg (although there are some fabulous walks, and I REALLY should make the most of this) I will attempt to read it.

So, for now, over and out.

xox

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